Healthy Steps to Loving a Junkie

If you are reading this, there is a very good chance that you either know someone who is addicted to opioids or you yourself are addicted. I’m not just guessing. The numbers are on my side. Warning: Boring statistics ahead.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimates there were more than 12.5 million Americans abusing prescription opioids in 2015. That figure doesn’t include the estimated 828,000 heroin users in our country. Since that time, opioid abuse has risen dramatically. In 2017, an average of 90 Americans have died each day from opioid abuse, and the numbers don’t appear to be lessening. I dare you to go compare deaths by guns with deaths by drug abuse. I won’t do all of the work for you.

I’m not a fan of statistics. They make stories dry and dull, but in this case I need them to prove a point. You aren’t alone. And if it isn’t opioids, it’s methamphetamine. And if it isn’t meth, it’s alcohol. And if it isn’t alcohol, well, you can fill in the blank. I am pretty sure I even saw someone overdose on God once.

I’ve met countless parents who have recounted their stories of having children addicted to drugs, incapable of making sound decisions. These stories always consist of theft, jail, poor health, small children caught in the mix and often they end in prison or death. In support circles, the saying is “Prison, death and institutions.” Those are the three inevitable ends for someone who doesn’t recover from drug addiction. Just imagine those choices. Which would you pick? A person addicted to substances knows, at some point in their journey, that one of those three choices is guaranteed for them, but the disease is so strong that it overcomes all logic. A person addicted to substances cannot be expected to suddenly wake up and make healthy choices. This is why it is incumbent upon their family and friends to get honest, get serious and get severe. Is that what most families choose to do? Hell no.

How many times have I told a parent to completely cut their child off financially? Almost as many times as I’ve seen a parent secretly wish to kill me, steal my skin and use it to hide their child from the consequences of life. That would be a very poor decision, for any of you who might try. Life’s consequences are particularly fond of my scent. I get it. I don’t want my children to hurt anymore than other parents, despite what they tell you. But it is surprisingly hard to get people to understand that by perpetually protecting someone from the consequences of their actions, you have set them up for a tremendous fall.

Stop enabling people to self destruct. If someone is exhibiting clearly destructive behavior and your attempts to rationalize with them or provide help have been fruitless, STOP RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE.

The fact is, some things are beyond us. Some things must play themselves out to their inevitable conclusion. If a train is baring down on your child, jumping in front of the train will in no way help anyone. It won’t stop the train and both of you will perish. If you are lucky enough to shove your child out of the way of danger, they are now even more confident that they can stand in the way of a train and not die. Continue this cycle and their confidence in their immunity to consequences will increase. When a train is baring down on your child, let them feel the fear of impending pain, because in this fear is hope. They SHOULD be scared. They should be scared, motivated and aware that their survival is dependent upon their own actions.

I didn’t stop until I could taste the tracks and sometimes this is what it takes. If you are in this position, I am glad for you. Crisis is an opportunity for healing! If you haven’t hit a crisis yet, step out of the way and it will come.

My recommendation, based on experience as both an enabler and a junkie, is to let people self destruct. Stop providing money, legal help, housing, medical care, transportation and employment to someone who is incapable of treating you and the assistance you’ve provided with respect and maturity. Stop abetting their illness by ignoring the symptoms and dismissing their decline. Don’t place blame for their situation on their employers, spouses, probation officers, lawyers, neighbors, etc., Don’t allow them into your home. Don’t allow manipulation, guilt or fear to making you a willing party in their disease. When you support a junkie’s lifestyle, even if out of love and loyalty, you support their death.

Loving an addict is hard. Addicts will take advantage of the people who love them most. They are capable of manipulating your genuine concern into a means to support their ‘habit’. It’s not a habit, by the way. It’s a monster and you don’t fight monsters with delicate pleading or passive agreement. You fight monsters with strategy, cunning and an end-goal that you never lose sight of.

The goal is and will always be, in these cases, to save a life. You cannot concern yourself with their job, home, school prospects, spouses, or diva demands. If they die, all of that is gone. Remind yourself of this constantly.

If you find yourself in the fortunate position to be of help to an addict in crisis, there are a few things you can do to lend to their success.

1. Be prepared for the swing. An addict who has just missed a fatal impact with a train is thrilled at the prospect of going to treatment. They will tell you how badly they want sobriety and how much they want to change their life. They will apologize for their treatment of you, of others. They will say everything that might give you hope that you have reached the promise land of recovery. Do not, for even one moment, let your guard down. I went to detox somewhere in the range of ten times and each time I was thrilled to be there. Guess how many times I went back to my dope fiend lifestyle? One less time, because a few people in my life did exactly as I am recommending to you now. If you take the right measures, you have a shot at helping them. It may take a few times as we junkies, by nature, are incredibly willful and arrogant.

2. After a couple of days, they will convince you that they are doing great. They will convince you that they are doing SO great that there is absolutely no need for them to remain in detox or proceed to a rehabilitation center. You will be so excited to see in them the person that you once knew, the person who wasn’t a manipulative pariah, that you can easily be swayed by this act. Don’t be. Don’t fall prey to the game.

3a. Negotiations. This is by far my favorite part of the ‘junkie writes the rules’ act. An addict is keenly aware of your desire to help them, to see them recover and thrive. They also know that you would love nothing more than to welcome them back into your life and your home. They will capitalize on this. They will make a very persuasive argument about how they can become healthy at home—-your home usually. Usually these moments consist of statements like “All I need is to get a job and..” or “This time is different. I promise I’m going to do A, B & C as soon as I get home.” When you hear these statements from someone with less time in recovery than it takes a pancake to cool, ignore everything they are saying. Smile, nod and tell them that you aren’t playing their games anymore.

3b. When their amiable act doesn’t work, they may resort to three year old tactics. Prepare for fits, tantrums, anger, vile accusations and unreasonable demands. Some people even become violent. An alternative to the angry approach is the sad, fearful approach where they break you with their tears. Either way, become a stone. Stand up and walk out, or if you are on the phone, hang up. End their reign as the puppeteer of your emotions.

3c. Demands are a last ditch effort for addicts to regain control. This most usually manifests in threats of suicide. If that happens, you must remember that they were ALREADY committing suicide, albeit slowly. Most addicts and alcoholics do not actually wish to die. They are far more committed to removing pain than to exiting life. Frankly, it is irrelevant. This is one of those things that is beyond your control and submitting to the demands of their disease will not guarantee you more time with them. It may actually do the opposite, hastening their death.

4. If you make it past #3, you are truly experiencing a miracle. This is not the time to offer financial support, though. If you survive to this point, offer emotional support. Assist them in finding a good rehabilitation program. Remind them that you are willing to restore your relationship with them. This is the best support you can give. The rest is between them and God.

I highly, highly recommend an inpatient program that is at least six months long, preferably longer. Detoxification can take months to complete and many symptoms caused by years of poor nutrition and drug use can even remain for years. Sadly, most detox facilities allow a patient to stay 5-7 days, which is often a very crucial period where someone may easily slip back into drug abuse. Many rehabilitation facilities are as short as 30 days. At 30 days, I was just remembering how it felt to have awareness of my limbs. That is not even close to an exaggeration. I was far from capable of returning to society as a productive member.

There is no exact science to recovery. If physicians, counselors and politicians had the answer, we wouldn’t be plagued by drug abuse. I don’t pretend to have every answer either and there is no guarantee that your best efforts will bring a positive outcome —but it’s worth a shot.

There is love in resistance. There is love in the word ‘no’. There is love in stepping back and allowing God to take over. There is love in admitting your limitations. There is love in saying the things that hurt the most. There is love in the truth.

This is a very painful place to be for anyone, most especially a parent. Your fears and your worries are legitimate and you most assuredly aren’t alone. Millions of other people are feeling exactly as you do right now, holding it all inside and praying that God will provide a way out. Millions of people are staying awake at night in fear that this will be the night that they receive that dreaded call. Millions of people are sinking into a depression and feel helpless to fight against it. Do not lose hope, above all else. I am a living miracle, a person who beat all odds. I am the success story you never hear of. I am the person that broke a needle off in her neck and considered suicide her only way out. I am the person that destroyed every relationship, ruined every opportunity, lost her children, her joy, her faith and all hope of recovery. But it is because of people like you, people who loved me despite my disease, that I am able to write this for you today.

If any of you need someone to speak to, please reach out to me. I am happy to share my experience and advice or just listen, without judgment or condemnation. Send a message through the contact form on the website.